wedding Photography: a eulogy

Well, that sure was a hell of a run. It’s with a bit of sadness but mostly relief that I’ve decided to close my weddings business. This was an enormous decision. It’s not just a career change, it’s an identity, a lifestyle, an entire chapter of my adult life. But I’ve realized that it’s not ME. I can leave it behind, and I’ll still be me. In fact I’ll be MORE me, that’s what this decision is really about. To allow myself to know this wasn’t serving me. It didn’t feel authentic anymore. I was swimming upstream against my better judgement and interest, fighting like hell, because I was afraid of what would happen if I didn’t. Because my pride was telling me that walking away meant failing. I’m stubborn, I’m tenacious, I’m talented, and I’m sure as HELL not a failure.

I’M AMONG THE MOST SUCCESSFUL WOMEN IN THIS COUNTRY.

I started a business when I was 27. It lasted over ten years, placing me in the top 20% of American businesses. It made over 100k by year two and continued to grow every year until covid, further placing me in the top 15% of all American businesses, the top 6% of all female owned businesses by revenue, and probably even more rare company by revenue combined with years open. That’s goddamn right, I owned one of the top 6% female owned businesses in this country. I did it my first try, under 30, by myself, without a formal education in any aspect of business OR photography, and without taking out a loan. What a boss-ass-bitch.

I beautifully captured the most special moments for HUNDREDS of couples, and that body of work will live outside of me with their families for generations. I won 15 awards, and probably could have won several more had I taken the time to apply for consideration. I shot weddings in 5 countries. I funded a lifestyle of absolute freedom that let me do everything I wanted, whenever and wherever I wanted, and I’ve grown profoundly from those experiences. What’s more, I brought other people along and expanded their world right beside mine. I shared my success with my loved ones. I’ve inspired and supported my friends in growing their own businesses. I took this thing to the top and met people at the peak of this industry. I spent 3 weeks documenting the efforts of a nonprofit battling sex trafficking in Nepal- sleeping on the floors of families who had lost their daughters in the Himalayas.

I HAVE MADE A DIFFERENCE. I’VE BEEN SO FUCKING BRAVE.

I’ve taken every risk without hesitation, doubling down on myself over and over and over again. I’ve been knocked down to the ground more than once and come back stronger. Failed upward. But this time I don’t want to. My track record proves I could, but I won’t because I’m choosing not to. Covid hit me hard, which is so reductive and understated it’s almost absurd to say. I got extremely sick, it caused reduced blood flow to my whole brain, and I stayed sick for years. I juggled the needs of my clients while privately fighting for my life. It changed my business and it changed me. I didn’t fail, I had my successes cruelly stolen away from me by things completely beyond my control, and kept fighting throughout. It was and is traumatic. It will be a long time before I’m fully disentangled from what it did to me, but I’m not going to let it keep me. It can’t have me. I won’t die on this hill, literally or figuratively. I am done punishing myself for it mentally, emotionally, and financially. And while I’m so proud of my life’s work, this doesn’t erase it.

I made choices at the age of 22 when I started walking this path. I chose not to find a husband, have kids, or save for a home. I worked three jobs simultaneously for YEARS, I made a lot of sacrifices, all so I could create this business. THIS was my child, but

IN TRUTH, I’VE NEVER BEEN A NATURAL FIT FOR WEDDINGS.

It’s so extremely obvious. I hate social media, I hate blogging about the best day of everyone else’s life while I’m married to a job instead of a person, I hate hustling for publication, validation, and exposure. I wasn’t for everybody. I’m way too emo haha! A deep thinker, a very frank communicator. I’m kind and funny, but I’m not bubbly or girly. A lot of clients loved that about me, some didn’t. In my heart I’m SUCH a romantic. I’m there for the love story, the complicated-families-putting-it-all-aside-and-celebrating-each-other story, and I wish I could just keep that part and leave all the rest. But there’s more to weddings than love. And as 15 years has passed, the rest has started to eclipse it, at least in my view. It started to feel dishonest to write captions or blogs or web copy talking about my passion for this, because my passion for it was dying. And I don’t fucking lie. Not to myself, not to anyone. The lie wasn’t intentional, I just hadn’t allowed myself to know I was being inauthentic because if I did, everything would have to change. My brain was protecting me from that chaos. But once I did know, the accompanying realization was that I couldn’t do it one more minute and stay in integrity with myself. I can’t betray myself like that, and to be honest I think it’s a betrayal to the client too. I love that there are so many people out there passionate about weddings, and THAT’S who you should hire. Not someone who is burned out, even if I’m like....really really good at it lol! Which I fucking am, and I’m proud of that!

Just because I lost my personal joy for it doesn’t mean this industry and the people in it aren’t valid. It doesn’t mean that love stories, and the celebrations solidifying them, aren’t real. I’ve loved so, so many of my clients, and it was such a privilege working with them that it was easy to overlook what was killing me about it all. You know who you are, or at least I hope you do. I’ve met so many wonderful, talented, authentic, passionate, creative professionals all over this world that I ADORE. But for every one of those I’ve also met at least 15 who were just looking over my shoulder to see if there was someone more important to talk to. Who didn’t care if I was incredibly talented or experienced or interesting, only that I wasn’t wedding-industry-famous. Shallow conversations and performative friendships. I hate that feeling. And even more than I hate that feeling, I hate that I’ve done it too. I’ve done the aggressive social-climber thing, because I thought I had to. I don’t. You don’t. We all have to do things we don’t like sometimes, but if you find yourself having to do something INAUTHENTIC in order to succeed, honey you’re doing the WRONG THING. Be careful of the company you keep, the actions you take. You can lose yourself before you know it.

THIS BLANK SLATE FEELS RIGHT.

It feels like something is coming for me, I don’t know what it is yet, and I want to be ready and open when it does. I’m a storyteller, but one who needs to take back her camera for herself, figure out what kind of stories I want to tell. I see myself doing more nonprofit photography and just giving it away for free. Being paid in experiences. Telling more stories of faraway lands, one way or another. I know I’m going to share what I learned. I’m going to help others accomplish what I did, professionally and personally. I know that’s part of what’s next, and probably very soon. Creative entrepreneurship is such difficult needle to thread. It’s an absolute dream to do what you love, but therein lies the risk that if you succeed, you might not love it anymore. Ubiquity is often the death knell of authenticity. I want to help others navigate the balance. I’ve been on both sides and am therefore qualified as hell to do it. I’ll be announcing what that looks like once I’ve had some time to grieve this and take a big breath. Exhale it out, and inhale something new. I don’t want to jump straight into action without processing this fully.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR YOUR SUPPORT.

And if you would like, stay tuned for what’s next. And if not, feel free to just fuck right off lol- thanks for your time. Wish me luck. Share this with someone who you think might need to hear it. I’m sad, but I think the feeling I feel the most is proud of myself. Proud of creating something so special, sticking to it, doing it MY way, living my best life, and having the courage, wisdom, strength, and self awareness to walk away when it was done. Good job, me. What a radical and rare act of truth and commitment to oneself. What a badass. 🤘 This was a love story. A wild success story. It had a beginning, a middle, and now...an end. ONWARD.